They All say, the most difficul thing is to START.
I used to love starting.. Starting the day – morning breakfast used to be my favorite moment. Early morning, when everything is still quiet, when no matter if its sunny or cloudy – its about the promise. We don’t know exactly what is gonna happen, but we have a plan, we have things to do. And in my past life, I always had something exciting to do. Because I was creating ! By the end of day, the project(s) I already started shows improvement, always. Even a tiny improvement. And that made me happy.
If I’m not creating something, I have an exciting thing to do. Either planning the next trip, or meeting with friends, or start something new. Always something exciting to do. Now, I dont. And that makes me sad. Very sad.
When you’re depressed for so long like I’am right now, the main advice that comes back is : “What can you do today, that makes you happy. Even the smallest thing” … I totally understand the comun sens behind this advice, but seriously… When you have NO HOPE about the day or the future, and you’ve let yourslef drawn so deep. “drink a coffee in the sun” just seems USELESS!!!
Yes, I still enjoy my coffee.. But the envirnomenet around me smells like shit ! My body is fat, and my mind is dark and hopeless… Do you really think that coffee is gonna change anything ? Cause once you’ve finish it, you go back to your shitty useless, hopeless, non-sens life… And that makes me VERY sad and desperate.
But we all have bills to pay, right ? So I turned on my laptop today. I made a stupid promise to “work” for a former client… So I guess, its time to DO it. It’s been a week I’m pushing the deadline… Why I dont want to do it ? Because it doesn’t make sens “Long term” I dont wanna do this job anymore. in fact, I dont want to do ANY job.
And that’s the real problem ? I don’t know. I fucking don’t know.