Yesterday, I went to Cannes. Just by seing the city : The streets, the shops, fancy cars, boats, beautiful cafes and restaurants, I felt a huge pain.
I remembered when I was walking on those streets, light, feeling like I can conquer the world ! Happy to just be there, sit in a restaurant and order whatever I want. watching fancy things around me but not feeling 1% of frustration. Just being happy with what I have. Because I had it all : I was living here, having the coolest job, making enough money to afford what I want, traveling whenever I want, sharing beautiful moment with my lover, laughing (god I was laughing so much) I was so content ! Happy to just be ! A level of confidence and hopes and dreams about the future….this is all gone.
Is it possible that when you reach such a level of happiness, you go through inevitably through this depression phase ? I read an article about this french golden medalist swimer saying that he was in depression after Paris Olympic games. Because the next olympic games where too far, and he realised that he will never get to the same performances due to his age. That was the peak of his career and now, he has to reinvent himself.
I remember reaching a limit, I was in Thailand, at the 14th floor of a beautiful apartment in Chiang Mai, I was watching the sunset from the balcony, and said to myself : you made it. You have the EXACT life that you wanted and it’s even better than what you dreamed of. Yet, I found excuses to not be happy about something (at that time it was that i have too much clients/projects i don’t like, not enough time to enjoy, not enough money, not enough this and that …) BUT I was forcing myself to realise and ENJOY the level i reached. It was a great performance knowing where i came from, my age…etc The story is that few months later everything collapsed. I had a little accident, broke with my lover, and slowly slowly lost interest in everything that once made me happy, thrive and make me wake in the morning …that was 2 years ago. almost 3.
…..
On the was to Cannes, driving along the coast, it was windy and cloudy the scenery was so dramatic … Beautifully dramatic. The color of the sea was dark gray, the send was like dark yellow or light brown, the waves were hitting, and a few people were walking there on the promenade. God, it was beautiful and I remembered that i used to share this beauty with him. He understood me, when I was pointing the beauty around us, he could see it. He enjoyed it (well, I think) and I thought to myself at that particular moment HOW THE HELL he could still live here, when everything reminded me of him. HOW THE HELL you can create new memories, without crying, without regretting what we had. HOW THE HELL IS HE DOING ?
And How the hell I’m gonna get out of this ?
How am I gonna find a new purpose in life ? how am I gonna make money again ? how the hell i’m gonna get back in shape ? Meet someone else? love again ? travel again ? enjoy life again ? How ?